Today I used a writing prompt because sometimes we can all get blocks. Today I can say this. Looking back on my life it has been chaos. Thankfully not today. I am starting to do things for me, speak up for myself in very dim situations as where in the past I may have run and hid. I have had a very rough week and I managed to pick myself up by my apron strings and get through it all. I am having bariatric surgery for myself and because my health is not really good if I don’t. I went to see my psychiatrist to get my approval and well needless to say he was very unprofessional and said some very derogatory and inappropriate things to me. I had never left an appointment feeling so bad about myself. I tried to get my therapist to pull me back but she would not.
I went out and got into my car. Started to drive was ok most of the way, but halfway home burst into tears. I hated myself so much after that appointment. Now I am at a couple days later and I am feeling better. Used the resources that I have around me and I pulled myself back out of the situation, changed agencies that I get my care with and had my intake two days later.
Had that been 10 or 15 yrs prior I would have been stuck in that situation for a very long time. I would have let that take me down for weeks. I may have even let that knock me out to be hospitalized.
I may not have it all together right now. But much more ahead than I was, even from 7 or 8 months ago. These might seem like very small amounts of time, but to me right now they are huge. So I have my life together as much as I can for the moment right now. I am pretty proud of myself right now.
I am really trying to like myself, I don’t realize all the crazy curve balls that life has thrown my way. I lost a baby, miscarried after, watching my oldest child grow into a young woman. Struggling with many health issues. I am trying to get a hold of them, doing good with getting my mind together, using the structure that I have been given as a resource. I recently decided to get weight loss surgery. It is very scary being addicted to food and sugar. I never used to eat the way that I do now. I have food stashed in my room. I used to walk my town end to end. Now I can barely walk a half a mile and I am exhausted. I am seriously a shell of who I used to be. The disappointment that I have in myself is so bad. Never did I see the day that I would let myself completely go.
They say you have to love YOU before anyone else can love you. That is very true. I am trying to just like myself from day to let alone love myself. I am a lot better now than I was 10 or 15 yrs ago. I was a huge disaster with no end in sight. I used to just let people and friends take advantage of me just to have someone in my life, let guys use me just to have someone in my mind loving me. However there was no one loving me, not even me. I have come a long way from that young woman. I am a detoured project daily and not disappointed in that at all.
These days. At 36 yrs old I am learning to like myself. I have someone who truly cares about me. My daughter is growing up but she loves me. It is hard to be a good example to her when I struggle to be good for myself on a daily basis. I am doing my best that is all I can say. I bought myself a Just for Today book, I love it. I think I am going to use this resource to reflect those and possibly use it in bible studies on Pinterest. Plus I have prompts in books. Or events during the day. Trying to stop the toxic Facebook vent and make it positive. I came into 2018 on a positive note and I want that to stay consistent through the yr.
This is my first blog and hoping to write on a daily basis, but I am too old for dear diary or the childish rant of who I am in love with from one week to another. This is the yr that I want to like myself. That is end game.
This is the end of this one…..
But its only the Beginning.