I have had quiet the journey with my mental illness and I used to be afraid of the things that went along with it. I am no longer scared to say that I have mental illness where in my 20’s it was like walking around with a 24/7/365 label on my life. I spent half of my youth and being a young adult denying what was really true. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Depression, Personality disorder, Anxiety and Social Anxiety.
The social anxiety has been hard to overcome. I still cannot do large or even small crowds without feeling like I am ready to run out the door, or someone is talking about me and commenting on the way I am dressed or the way that I look. I have always wanted that I don’t care attitude when it comes to people, but it is not easy. I struggle and would just rather enjoy my own company most if the time.
Right now I have reached a higher level of confidence within myself after not having any for so long. Ok, well my whole life. I am finally living on my own and love it, I have lived with someone my whole life and its nice to be able to go home to a space that is mine alone. I need that because now it is difficult to be around people that bring or create chaos. I really want to start this job and try to accomplish the goal of holding down a job, that I have struggled with in my illness for so long. A lot of people don’t understand that some people hold different traits which cause them behaviors, that makes it tough to keep or hold a job. Even though the want to work is very strong. Well at least in my case it has. People are mean and they are not afraid to be. People are what makes me not want to work. I have a feeling this time is going to be different.
But here is a glimpse of how I used to be till now. I used to argue and fight everyone around me, because I was fighting with myself. I hated who I was. I hated what I looked like on the outside, though at the moment I am not to proud of how I look, but whats inside counts too. I am a kind and loving person and always have been. Though I miss being so naive and gullible, I see things now for how they are. While when I was naive you could convince me the sky was filled with polka dots and I would believe you and trust every word you said to me. My world was chaos and drama filled. After awhile I craved peace. To finally have it now, not willing to trade it for nothing. I trusted everything. Now I trust nothing. Someone has to earn it, I have trust issues. That might be a bad thing but I am learning to build boundaries. I am a work in progress.