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Strength

To me finding strength is being able to change yourself and be a better version of who you are. I have been called messed up because of my health issues and mental health issues. I am truly not messed up. That is strength, my issues used to mess me up. But its not what matters to me anymore.

I want to be a better version of me and starting to find myself able to not struggle on my own. I am starting to gain confidence in me and strength down deep within myself.

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Spill the tea

I am writing some tea on my life. Well not really…just on tea. I love tea it is so good so many different flavors and it is so good to drink a cup of tea on a crisp and cold morning.  You have your fans of Earl Gray, and Green tea. Very natural teas. I love green tea with lemon and give me some sweet tea with lemon.

When life gives you lemons you cut them up and make lemonade or sweet tea. Tea can be fruity or flowery. You can have your caffiene or not.

Then we have tea that they call gossip.  I try and stay away from those flavors. Those ones are too junk packed for me. So next time someone tells you they got tea. They got gossip coming at you???? What are some of your favorite types of tea, or are you a coffee drinker and throw some tea flavors my way, I may not know of and what they can be used for.

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My Mental Illness

I have had quiet the journey with my mental illness and I used to be afraid of the things that went along with it. I am no longer scared to say that I have mental illness where in my 20’s it was like walking around with a 24/7/365 label on my life. I spent half of my youth and being a young adult denying what was really true. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Depression, Personality disorder, Anxiety and Social Anxiety.

The social anxiety has been hard to overcome. I still cannot do large or even small crowds without feeling like I am ready to run out the door, or someone is talking about me and commenting on the way I am dressed or the way that I look. I have always wanted that I don’t care attitude when it comes to people, but it is not easy. I struggle and would just rather enjoy my own company most if the time.

Right now I have reached a higher level of confidence within myself after not having any for so long. Ok, well my whole life. I am finally living on my own and love it, I have lived with someone my whole life and its nice to be able to go home to a space that is mine alone.  I need that because now it is difficult to be around people that bring or create chaos. I really want to start this job and try to accomplish the goal of holding down a job, that I have struggled with in my illness for so long. A lot of people don’t understand that some people hold different traits which cause them behaviors, that makes it tough to keep or hold a job. Even though the want to work is very strong. Well at least in my case it has. People are mean and they are not afraid to be. People are what makes me not want to work. I have a feeling this time is going to be different.

But here is a glimpse of how I used to be till now. I used to argue and fight everyone around me, because I was fighting with myself. I hated who I was. I hated what I looked like on the outside, though at the moment I am not to proud of how I look, but whats inside counts too. I am a kind and loving person and always have been. Though I miss being so naive and gullible, I see things now for how they are. While when I was naive you could convince me the sky was filled with polka dots and I would believe you and trust every word you said to me. My world was chaos and drama filled.  After awhile I craved peace.  To finally have it now, not willing to trade it for nothing. I trusted everything. Now I trust nothing. Someone has to earn it, I have trust issues. That might be a bad thing but I am learning to build boundaries. I am a work in progress.

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Roller Coaster

Well its another year and my daughter would be 10 yrs old this year. The years sometimes seem to be getting away from me. I mess up because I act on impulse on things and don’t think them completely through. I just want to wake up one day where my head isn’t mixed up or I am not over thinking or over doing something, my emotions are like a freaking roller coaster and I hate everything about it. My health sucks. Used to be able to walk and exercise and not worry about my body not hurting like a tooth ache later on.

I find it very hard to remember what I was about before the storm of 09.. we had a bad snowstorm that year, but my blizzard happened long before that but it was tears of emotions. I really hate this time of year. I am normally very alone around this time of year, but right now I am really alone. Living on my own is very hard right now because I am always ALWAYS in my head, and am I doing this or that wrong. My body and my mind takes on a life of its own around this time of year and I am not free of it till almost spring. I gotta overcome this roller coaster, but I just can’t.

I don’t know that is I can’t maybe this year can be the year that this is not to hard for me. But Lily will have Birthdays every year. We celebrate but that doesn’t mean that I miss her any less. Being a Mom is not an easy job at all. I have a 15 yr old who thinks that I don’t want her and that is so far from the truth. Moving out on my own seemed like such a good thing, but am I missing out on things. I am 5 mins up the road, but my daughter does not talk to me. Am I that hard to confide in. Am I really that broken??? I don’t wanna be broken no more. I want to feel better about things and this hurt I feel all the time, I feel so alone and so many people just do not get how this feels.

I have so many things to be or feel blessed for. I have an awesome 15 year old. She might not think so but she is. I love being her Mom and buying her flowers. Loving her. I am alive.  I wake up and see the sun shining. I am healthy for the most part. My health that was really bad at one time has gotten better. I am just so hard on myself. There is not one person harder on me than me. I just want to do good, but that brings me back to always being in my head and wondering if I am okay or not. However, I pray to God and he listens to me.  Maybe this is one situation that he can make me feel better about. My spirituality is very important to me. It keeps my head above the water when I feel like I am drowning. Summer 2018 046

 

 

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Anonymous

I am going to pretend that didn’t happen and go home now. I am going to pretend that you just didn’t screw my life over royally, and have things happen that I can no longer change from my present. When we talked you looked in my eye’s like you had truly cared. I was so very wrong. How do I stop the hurt.??? It had been years since I had let someone in my heart. I let you in and you rip my heart out and jump all over me and my heart.

I am going to try to pretend that we didn’t connect in a way that felt real to me. This emptiness is truly killing me. You are in my head all the time, just like you are deceased and not just away. Contrary to what you may think, this was not the outcome that I would have chosen. Why did u choose me.?? Why did you break my heart into a billion pieces.???

Here I am, things are going better. You came and went in my life just when things were beginning to turn around in my life. I got my own place now. However, almost lost it all from beginning to end. Every single day of my life, my heart hurts. Took 9 years to stop the pain from my ex, just as I got the needed closure you walk in and rip it back apart.

You must remain unnamed because seeing your name in black and white opens the wounds. You cried to me and I cried to you, yet it meant absolutely nothing to you and here I am, trying to figure out these blank spaces. I want to fill them with the happiness I have received and deserve. Just have to figure out how to let you go.

Till then…this remains unfinished and you remain Anonymous.

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Suffocate

You like me, this I get.

Things  happened that should not of.

We no longer talk,we argue.

You wanna touch, you stare…

I cringe.

Honesty is the best policy they say.

yet talking to you….. makes me cringe.

You just don’t get it, would u rather I lie to you??

Don’t touch me.. I just tried to be friends, however you don’t understand NO.

You suffocate me

I don’t know how to be mean.

I don’t like cringing.

I don’t like being hateful.

If you don’t hear No.

You give me no choice.

Cut you off.

So I can breathe.

I’m away

I breathe DEEP finally.

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Many Faces…masked memories.

Who really hides behind a mask, you wonder??? I often smile and not feel good enough, not pretty enough, just not enough. I have been put down by people my whole life, My Aunt calling me 666 and the devil. My Dad calling me baggage and using whatever word he felt good enough to use for the moment.

With mental health issues you wear what seems like tons of masks, the first thing to go wrong when something bad happens, lets blame those with mental illness. With my mental health issues, I never felt the need to destroy anyone but myself. When Mom and Dad would fight in high school, I Would sneak down behind the house and scrape my arms out with rocks, because using blades  would make me sick, because blood sent me into seizures. So the rocks scraped blood under the skin and the pain from the yelling seemed to just melt away, but eventually the rocks didn’t work anymore and would resort to wire hangers. Anything to melt the pain away from the yelling.

Another mask that was mine was that I was Daddy’s girl growing up. But that is what it looked like from the outside. Alone my Dad would scold me and put me down. Like coming home from my boyfriends during the snow, my Dad pulled over and I had no idea what was about to come. Because by the time I was a teen I was no longer his little girl and not perfect enough. I was not an honor student, I barely graduated high school. I seemed to be a crutch with boys and men, because my Dad never wanted me, so maybe one of them would.

I let so many men just use and take advantage of me, because for the most part they had wanted me. I to this day at 37 years old do not know what good wanting me feels like, I accept twisted. I settle for second or last because it is what I am used to.

Now I wear this fear mask, afraid to mess up because I will end up in jail again. Funny the only crimes I ever committed against my father is that to try to hard. The night I got into trouble was just out of surgery and he had wanted me out. As usual, that was the story of my life for yrs, I used to sleep outside on porches, I even stayed one night on the tracks, as long as my presence was not known was the best place for me. Or so I thought. So because he made up this story I am now on probation for 23 months with 1 year left to go. I know that I can do this but it is still very hard. I feel like a bug constantly being burned by the sun under a magnifying glass.

I want to take these masks off and all I want is to be happy. Good enough, good enough for me and maybe someone in my future. I have watched God move through my life, he has given me these amazing gifts. The gift of words and the power that they use. I just want these masks gone, just so you can see ME. April 2018 130

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Being smart doesn’t equal being a genius

I have a lot of health problems and deal with Drs on a pretty much regular basis. I was born with hypothyroidism and no thyroid so seeing doctors my whole life literally.  I cannot stand going into an ER not feeling well and knowing you do not feel good and no one will listen to you, just because they are the doctors and they know the scientific facts.

Facts do not change the way that my body feels at the moment. I am writing this because I self diagnosed my now Fibromyalgia that I have, and I am now diagnosed with that by a Doctor. I swear I have chrons and possible celiac disease. I hurt all the time, whether it be the fibro acting out or the bowel issues.

I want to be a kid again where my only worry was going skating on a Friday night and believing that the biggest worry was who my boyfriend was for the week or month, or who I thought was cute.

Never at 37 did I dream I would be in constant pain and not being able to do the things I did at 17. I was good through most of my 20’s. Doctors choose to put you on mute to whatever they think they know. Anyone who deals with pain a lot knows exactly what I am talking about. So just because someone has a degree or book smart, they do not know it all. When you do not feel right, you need to stand up for yourself till someone listens to you.

My true hopes is that someday they will listen and all this pain will go away, so that I can enjoy my golden years.

 

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Frosted Petals

We look upon this chilly morning and the dew on the flowers.

I see frosted petals, dew frozen and the earth quiet about to awaken.

Frosted petals fresh of dew. Frozen in time.

Sometimes we awaken and we have frosted petals.

Waking up from the cold of the night and the dew of the evening before.

We stretch our arms to wake up.

The sun shining on us just like the frosted petals on flowers.

I think of our cold winter with frosted petals.

Ice on the hibernating flowers. Waiting till the warm sun melts the ice and wakes up the petals of those frosty ice petals.

I see snow flakes and think of sled riding and hot chocolate to warn up our frozen petals.

We just like flowers, have frosted and frozen petals.